Entry #1 - 07.Mar.2022 - "An incomplete history"

The following was written yesterday, before arriving home. Since writing it, plans for this week have changed dramatically.

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I'm writing this from the train. Tomorrow, I visit Master Jonathan for a "trial run" of service to him. I'm nervous, in a way that I haven't been since I was on my way to meet my first Master, eight years ago. But there's a complexity to my feelings that is new, and I hope to explain why, here.

I have been involved in the M/s community, one way or another, since I turned 18. I first declared myself a slave when I was 18. I owned my first slave when I was 19, an arrangement that ended when she went home to America. My Master at the time was inattentive, and gradually stopped responding to my messages. Eventually, I was asked if I still felt owned, and I told him no.

In the year that followed, I sought out intense experiences. I took long-distance slaves and submissives - and I submitted to others, although I found it difficult to reconcile the image of authority and control that I was projecting with my needs as a submissive. I joined the local BDSM community, and a year later, a girl who was submissive to me became my owned property, and she remains in my service to this day as my loyal slave-µ (pronounced "mew"). 

Over the years, I have one by one let down certain barriers in my own mind. I decided to go out to a cruising bar to get over my fear of my attraction to men. I began to submit to others, online and in person. But throughout this exploration, I have remained assured of one thing: that becoming somebody's slave would never work for me. That I'm too controlling of a personality, that I am not comfortable with giving that much of myself to another. That service to another would be too demanding on my time, and detract from my ability to fulfil my life goals. That service to another would be incompatible with my slave's needs.

Recently, I've been given reason to reevaluate these things. When I first became µ's Master, my goal was to become a professional actor. This changed to a goal to become a professional playwright, and recently even that goal has been called into question. I've begun to think again about what it is that I want in my life, and what I would need in order to be happy.

This is what I know: I am happy when I perform creative work. I am happy when I use my skills to bring pleasure of some kind to others. I am happy when I receive recognition for my hard work. I am unhappy when I am uncertain of the future. 

Present sources of uncertainty are all around. I am not financially stable, although I have money put aside to rely on if things turn out badly. I do not know how to best approach my work as a playwright. I am not always sure of the best approach to bring stability to the mind of my own property...

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