Entry #2 - 08.Mar.2022 - "A Dramatic Opening"

  Present sources of uncertainty are all around. I am not financially stable, although I have money put aside to rely on if things turn out badly. I do not know how to best approach my work as a playwright. I am not always sure of the best approach to bring stability to the mind of my own property...

This is where I got to, before arriving home to a very emotionally unstable girl. And it's interesting that this is where I had left off, because when I arrived home, this is exactly what was tested in a very extreme way. µ has COVID, and I was going to spend the week elsewhere. She was feeling abandoned, and although she was able to logically dismiss those thoughts, the feeling remained. She felt alone, and desperate, and in that desperation she impulsively took an overdose of her antidepressant medication. My trip to visit Master Jonathan was cancelled, and the decision was made that I would quarantine with her until both of us are testing negative for COVID.

I think a lot of the instability that µ faces centres on my own stability as her Master. This one thing, my ownership of her, has been a guiding force for her for six years. When we first came together, she was impulsive and then regretful, illogically angry and then self-hating. Over time, she has grown so much as a person under my guidance. 

The decision to reduce my control over her stemmed from a disagreement about our respective long-term wishes. µ has been an activist, with my blessing, for three years, and currently earns a voluntary living allowance from that work. Her activism has made her unsuccessful in job applications for positions that are in line with her core passions - helping others, reducing suffering, being a protector, fighting injustice. She has been unable to find work in her previous career path as a special needs teaching assistant - a risk that was acknowledged at the time of us deciding that she should engage in activism, but not one that she was then able to cope with the emotional fallout from. 

Since that time, in light of this demonstration of her emotional resilience to the consequences, and also in light of further legal risks to both µ and to myself, I have put a restriction in place that she is not to engage in illegal direct action. This restriction has led to her feeling trapped between duties - duty to me and to our continued relationship, versus her duty to the outside world. In part, her suicide attempt was informed by this feeling of helplessness. She cannot decide between her duties - she will not leave my service voluntarily, and attempts to assuage her guilt at prioritising my desires over others have so far not been consistently successful.

I subscribe to hedonism as a guiding philosophy, believing that humans are driven primarily by desire. In this model, a driving fear is a response to some deeper desire, such as stability or security. I think it is our nature to act on our desires. In the long term, I have desires pertaining to creativity, pleasure, connection, and self-actualisation, with improving the world around me as a secondary goal to those hedonistic preferences. µ has differing beliefs. She has always put the wants and needs of others above her own needs, and she sees my orientation to my own personal goals as unfathomably self-centred. The very part of her nature that makes her so well-orientated to a life of service also means that she cannot put herself in the shoes of her Master, which in turn can lead her to doubt that I truly have her best interests at heart.

I see a forked road ahead, and a choice to be made. For her to remain in my service, or to be released. I am inclined to keep her - I love her, I want to protect her, and I know I am skilled at managing her crisis moments. I believe that she will be safer in my service than outside of it, and I believe she will actually be more effective in her altruistic goals if she has the strong foundation of her service to me, and the safety and stability that comes with the restrictions I have put in place. However, if she feels she can no longer find safety and stability in me, then I cannot forcibly change her mind, and our remaining together will be mutually harmful.

In the short term, the path is clear. Today, we have set a grace period of one month. During this time, she will be kept on a very short leash. In April, she will join the other activists in London, but not engage in any illegal activity. After this point, we may have this discussion again, but until then it is not negotiable. She may describe difficulties that she is having with this, but she will take the decisions made as final and unchanging.

Hopefully, by that point, the tightening of my control over her will have had some positive effect on the situation. She has listened to me reading these thoughts aloud to her, and she has found these insights useful. As I was concluding this journal, my position as slave to another was at the forefront of my mind, especially in terms of the effect that will have on her stability. Unprompted, she told me explicitly that she wants me to re-arrange time for a trial period of service to Master Jonathan. 

Something that Master Jonathan and I spoke about on Sunday came up in this conversation with µ. She has to be comfortable with seeing me as I truly am, and therefore has to be comfortable with seeing me in situations where I am entirely subjugated to another. She is nervous about this. In the past, seeing me in a submissive role has triggered feelings of abandonment. However, avoiding these situations has only led to her being less able to engage with the idea of me as somebody else's submissive.

The situation as it stands is delicate, but needs a firm and clear approach. I will spend today watching her closely, and micromanaging her time.