Entry #3 - 09.Mar.2022 - "Hierarchy; Age 18-19"

My relationship with my first Master involved four people - Master J, his slave E, myself, and M who lived in America. M and I were 18, with only a month between us in age, and we met one another and Master J through a chatroom dedicated to the Tease and Denial fetish. Master J taught me the basics of hypnosis, and introduced us to his slave at the time, E, who was studying hypnosis for her MSc. In time, flirting grew into ownership. With Master J's blessing, E and I were permitted to meet in person to dominate one another, each of us looking for intense hedonistic experiences, as well as she and I trading skills in hypnosis and theatre respectively.

E introduced me to Master J in person only a few weeks after our introduction. At the time, I called him my Master, but I think that word meant something slightly diluted to me at the time. After all, I was still holding on to my identity as a christian, and I was keenly aware of an inability to truly serve two Masters with such vastly conflicting interests.

I recall even at that time watching friction between E and Master J, which eventually reached a breaking point. Being closer to her than I was to him, and knowing that he would have other slaves to turn to for pleasure and for support, I offered to become E's Master. That time was a strange one for me. Over four months, I lost faith in my religion, and at the end I discovered that my slave had been secretly involved with another Master. 

I reconnected with M and Master J that week, but I was more cautious this time about calling him "Master". I belonged to him, but his control was not attentive or extensive. M and I would speak every day, but Master J would often go for several days without any contact with either of us. Eventually, I left his service altogether. M confided in me that she was unsure about her place with Master J, and in what felt like history repeating itself, she left him. After a few months, and a visit from me to her, she became my slave... at around the same time as I was introduced to slave-µ. 

So, why mention all of this?

I feel like my past experience of hierarchy has only ever been dysfunctional. Having sub-dynamics with both M and with E under Master J never felt like it worked. It felt as though those dynamics were undervalued and undermined by Master J.. and in both occasions I was far happier, and far more comfortable, engaging with my subordinate once Master J was out of the picture.

µ has a different experience. Her fear of hierarchy involves not only the fear of being vulnerable to an external Master who she does not yet know and trust, but also the fear of her own Master losing the freedom or availability to give her the direction or structure she relies upon.

We both came to Master Jonathan today with these fears at the forefront of our minds, and knowing that this could well have been the end of my service to Master Jonathan even before it had truly begun. And yet, after the three of us spending an hour talking, it became clear that the concerns are much smaller than they initially appeared. After we ended the call, I felt more certain of this new direction in my life than I ever have done before.